For the past few weeks now , my inner self has been telling me things that are now getting to me.
I do not usually care for what I look like but I have now come to the point where I look in the mirror and hate that I am showing lumps and bumps in all the wrong places.
I think it comes more each summer especially as I pull out the clothes from my wardrobe and find that I have put on yet again a good few pounds and nothing fits me .
My arms look saggy, my legs look lumpy and my stomach, well thats my biggest hate.
I know I should be happy with who I am and I am to an extent, but I honestly feel like my body is starting to get a little larger than I like.
My husband always comforts me , he tells me I am beautiful and he loves those curves and bumps , my body made his children and he says that shows a true woman .
I know I should appreciate that , but I know myself deep down that I am not happy myself and that is what matters most.
I do not want to be stick thin, I do not want to be noticed or payed attention to, I simply want to feel more comfortable in myself and have my confidence back.
I honestly agree with the saying
''Once you get married you pile on the weight''.
I totally agree with that, and it comes with being content in my marriage and confidence being naked in front of my husband . I just wonder myself though if he is saying it to make me feel better , I know it isn't nice to look at a flabby belly , for gods sake I look 8 months pregnant some days it is ridiculous.
I had a funeral last week to go to and my husband treat me to a lovely new suit.
I asked him to buy me a size 12 so it would be comfortable to walk and sit in all day and when it came to putting it on I just felt so fat and frumpy.
The trousers were a massive squeeze around my tummy area and the blazer was ridiculously squashing my boobs.
My husband keeps complimenting me on how much my boobs keep growing, he loves boobs like most men do and he always gets the reply
''It is because I am getting fatter''
Matter of the fact was that the suit was small and a tight squeeze. I never thought I would hear myself saying that. As size 12 and it was too small.
You know when you try to make yourself feel better by making the excuse up that different shops have different fittings , so it must have been the brands fault lol.
I know I should not put myself down but I just feel a little saddened by it lately and if I could get some of this weight shifted in a short time I would do it.
I would never have surgery , I am to much a wimp when it comes to hospitals and needles and knives, I also do not think it is how it should be done .
I lack no determination at all when it comes to fitness and diets. I love my food and in no way feel confident enough to even walk into a gym nor could I even afford to , have you seen the prices of those things?.
My struggle is the fact I feel a little depressed lately.
A lot of things have been happening this past year and I feel low more than up ,not with my husband , I love him dearly but having an extra couple of children to look after who seem to be testing me to the limits lately and being stuck in a tiny village with nothing at all to do here nor have money or transport to go anywhere .
I think I am turning to food to make up for my boredom and lack of social interaction. I love food.
I feel grateful for all I have but sometimes I feel it is just too much for me to handle.
We moved out of our town where all our friends and family were around 4 years ago and back then I was a lovely size 8 and always doing something.
Since we have come to this village, I am alone, lost all touch with friends and I have no one to chat with over a cuppa, go shopping with or even just have any interaction with unless its over the phone or computer, to the extent I can not actually remember the last time I went out for an event that wasn't a funeral, in fact I think our wedding was the last time we had any proper time for us and that was 2 years ago.
We do not have a swimming baths anywhere near, I used to love going to the baths with the kids but because we have so many little ones now it can be pricey and because there are 7 all aged 4yrs to 12yrs we can not take them on our own , there's no one else to go with us.
We love the summer and find ourselves driving for a family outing somewhere like the beach or a nature reserve , it does not cost a fortune and the children have all the space they need to run around and enjoy the outdoors ,but most times it is hard to even get out with balancing my husband working all the time and the children's routines.
Maybe I am just making excuses, my husband tells me nothing is stopping me from getting on a bus and going into town to have a walk around while kids are in school or going for a walk around the village.
Ludworth is a pit village in County Durham, England situated between Durham and Peterlee. It consists of just over 350 houses in three main housing estates (Barnard Avenue, Moor Crescent and Springfield Meadows) and a few smaller streets.
Ludworth has one post office, a school, a community centre and a printers.
The village used to have two churches and a fish shop, most of which were destroyed in a fire.
The public house of Ludworth has been closed for some years.
There is a small park and I for one can not see myself sitting on the swings these days and having a game of basketball in front of all the young ones who play there. Me and Kaiden did go for a very long walk through the woods last week in the pouring down rain but even then it only took us 20 minutes to walk around the whole village at max.
The transport to our local town centre is the bus route that takes us to Durham City Centre and by the time I get on one then get there, it would be time for me to jump back on and come back in time for little man to be picked up from nursery.
Until he starts full time school , I can not get on a bus to go anywhere and so as the husband is working all day , most days, It is rare I get out the house .
I did enjoy a full weekend out last weekend though.
The in-laws had a barbecue at their home and we all went to play in the garden and enjoy the sunshine.
I am hoping the summer has more of that sunshine as it was lovely.
We are looking at moving and have been trying to for some time now, but with needing a bigger home it looks like we may be waiting some time .
I need somewhere near family or even a local strip of shops to walk to. Being stuck in this little village with no one and nothing to keep me busy is taking its toll on my weight.
I just seem to be eating so much.
I never eat breakfast, I will have a meal with my son at dinnertime but always make a big meal for tea for the whole family. I then find myself drinking fizzy pop and looking for nibbles . I do not eat sweet foods, I am more of a savoury indulger to the point I am happy to sit and eat cheese on crackers or salted peanuts.
Yes that is right I am not going to lie to you, I do not exercise or eat well at all, but I do want to do something about it .
I have seen a challenge going around the social media lately and I think it is something that looks doable even by me, in my own home , no gym or membership fees or obligations .
I think the best thing about the challenges is that you can choose different challenges for each month working on a different area at your own speed .
The 30 day fitness challenges give you a 30 day (obviously) timetable for exercises and healthy recipes .
You can choose to work from doing easy to hard exercises and it will help you feel motivated that little more knowing that each day you are doing something motivating to help improve your body in only 30 days.
I have decided , now is the time to start and I am going to make sure that I stick to it , and if I don't my husband has permission to not buy me those treats like MAC and new clothes.
30 days, 1 challenge, heaps of benefits!
My most needed challenge for me is the Core challenge.
I feel that my tummy is the first place I need to work on , this is the area that I feel makes me concious and upset the most about as I used to have such a lovely flat tummy till having my son 4 years ago.
30 Day AB and squat Challenge from 30 Day Fitness Challenges
The 20 day fitness challenge quotes-
Take up this 30 day abs and squat challenge this month and tone up and boost your core, leg and butt muscles and body strength to the max.
This is one of our most popular challenges to date and gives off the best results – if you stick to it and complete all 30 days !
The challenge has 3 different exercises which you have to do each day, and the time spent doing the exercise slowly increases day by day to help you build up your core body muscle strength gradually, ensuring you are able to complete the final day of the challenge easily.
You only have to do the amount of time shown on the challenge chart once per day, however if you are feeling brave then you can repeat each days challenge as many times as you like – however remember by day 30 it will be very hard to do multiple times.
So here goes a little bit of bravery in showing you my tummy now..........
I would love for you to join in and help support me. Encouragement and motivation is all I need please.
Will you be joining in on the #30dayfitness challenge?